Jan/02/2002

Before I tackle today's topic, I'd just like to reiterate the point from my first Rant: Capcom is my new god, and I want to have their baby.

Now, video game censorship. Makes you cringe doesn't it?

The following Rant has been rated:

And I don't just mean Nintendo taking the blood out of Mortal Kombat for the SNES either. While Nintendo seems to have lighten up on censorship with games like Perfect Dark and, once again, the new Resident Evil game, other forces of evil still stand between us and our god given right to enjoy one or all of the following:

• Sex &/or Violence

• Profanity

• Utilising large guns (possibly with nuclear capabilities) to subdue zombies, terrorists and assorted Hell Spawn.

This evil is of course the Office of Film & Literature Classification.

The following part of the Rant has been rated:

Yes, the people behind such comments as "we'll never have an R rated game in Australia", and
"we'll let parents decide if they want their kids to see Hannibal eat a still living guys brains" are the people we leave in charge of such an important thing as what games get released here.

Their reasoning?

"Games are aimed at kids, and kids can be influenced by violent shooting games."

To which I say, "Oh yeah? How about I aim this big freaking gun at your head! Hey? You like that suit and tie boy?.."

Ahem..

I could surly get a better understanding for their reasoning by looking at their rating polices on their website. And I could surly do that better if some half-wit at the OFLC hadn't decided to place all of the sites content into PDF files. I hate PDF files for a variety of reasons I won't go into now, so I'm just going to have a shot a what I think their polices are:

1. To hold back everything we don't understand, by pretending that there's no reason for a rating higher than MA.

2. Continue to miss the obvious at the expense of mature gamers.

3.Pretend that other countries don't exist, and if by chance you stumble upon an atlas, pretend that their polices are completely unsuitable for this country, even though that's where most of the stuff we're rating comes from.

4. No working past 12pm on weekdays.

No need for an R rating? Now, while I'm not that interested in R rated games.. er, actually come to think of it, that's probably because I've never had a chance to play one.. BASTARDS! Where was I? Ah yes, while I personally have no want to play R rated games, I still can't see a decent argument as to why they don't have R rated games for the older game playing audience.

Blake: What's up with that "no R rating" thingo?

OFLC Lackey: We don't have an R rating for games because people don't pay attention to our ratings anyway.

Blake: I see.. so what exactly are you guys doing with the money the Government gets off me in taxes and gives to you again?..

OFLC Lackey: We're mostly just sitting around downloading scat porn all day actually. Why do you ask?

OFLC Head Honcho: *comes back in after stepping out for a coffee, sees OFLC Lackey talking to URNN exposé gaming reporter Blake, seemingly dressed like the pizza delivery guy* DEAR GOD NOOOOOO!!... This guy doesn't work for us I tell you! Anything he told you was a lie, you hear me? A LIE!

Blake: That's ok, I'm finished here.

OFLC Head Honcho: *slaps head* D'oh!

That's the crux of it right there. They think that if they had an R rating for games everyone would some how miss it. Then they'd get sued when A Current Affair started having stories with hick parents saying;

"When I bought Bambi's Interactive Dildo Safari Adventure 3: The Breasts Of Mount Clitus for my 10 year old son, I had no idea that it was a porno game! Now Billy's hiding it in his room somewhere.."

Errr.. if the OFLC had an R rating, then that last bit probably would have been rated:

I've changed my mind, I think I'll check out the GTA3_Rev_Dec.pdf file on the OFLC's site. Here's some excerpts from it explaining why they banned Grand Theft Auto 3 for the PS2 here in Australia. I've added my thoughts in bold:

"In another scene, the gamer is being briefed on some action he is to take against a character who is “Pimpin’ some scuzzy bitches” in “the back yard” of a crime boss. Mr Ellingford (after consultation with his in-house gamer) stated that “scuzzy” means disgusting or filthy (close enough). The Review Board gathered that this language meant that one crime figure had sex workers (possibly of an inferior standard) (Do these guys know of sex workers of a high standard?) soliciting in an area controlled by another crime figure."

"In one scene, of which the Review Board took particular note, the gamer stops to pick up a sex worker. The sex worker was of the type depicted with ‘punk-style’ hair, shorts and long boots (Oww, you can't trust those "punk" sex workers..). She agrees to get into the car and the gamer drives onto a grassed, treed area. The car begins rocking and exhaust fumes are emitted in increasing amounts. The Review Board took this imagery to be a suggestion of sexual activity (a SUGGESTION of sexual activity?!? How god damn stupid are these people?)."

"The Review Board watched one and a half hours of game play in total. Whilst this was time consuming, (whoa, you guys got somewhere else to be?) and had some negative impact on most of those viewing the game, such that Ms Baird asked at the end of the viewing “Can we please have a break?” (Well after an hour and a half of anything I'd probably want a break. Maybe she just had to pee?) and two of the applicant’s representatives left the room during the screening, it was considered that such viewing would not be an unrealistic period for an average gamer to be sitting at the console playing the game, and should represent a reasonable experience of a skilled player."

Fact: R rated games are made.
Fact: These games ARE NOT aim at children.

Now either we don't need these guys and their ratings that everyone supposedly ignores, or they can get their arses into gear and get with the 21st century (it is the 21st century, isn't it?) and give us an R classification.

On a finial note, am I the only one that finds it ironic that the old head of the OFLC is now making porn movies? "Buffy Down Under" was one of his. Now there's an idea for Australia's first R rated game.

Oh, and I hope the new Resident Evil doesn't have "Zombie Sex Workers", either.

-Blake