Nov/21/2001

The American launch of the next Nintendo home gaming system 'GameCube' has resulted in the deaths of 28 anxious shoppers and hundreds injured.

The launch, being held at the National Toys 'R' Us headquarters, had been hotly anticipated in the gaming world for months now. Scheduled to start at 8:30 am, it was delayed 15 minutes while TRU president, Greg Sambas, looked for his favorite bow tie.

While Mr. Sambas searched, a crowd (50 deep in some places) swayed back and forth chanting: "GAMECUBE" *clap clap clap* "GAMECUBE" *clap clap clap*.

NO YOU FOOL! That's a Game Boy Advance!

That's when Mark Ginburg, head of Marketing & Sales for TRU, stepped out to address the crowd about the short delay. Mr. Ginburg, now in a coma and on the critical list, got as far as; "There'll be a short delay before the GameCube release.." before he was struck in the head by a Game Boy (the original 'brick' version).

Apparently the crowd, made up mostly of Nintendo fan boys who've had to deal with Nintendo delaying consoles over and over again, took this to mean that the GameCube would come out at a later date, and just snapped.

As Mr. Ginburgs body toppled back into a giant cardboard cutout of a GameCube, a blood curdling war cry rose up from the crowd and a 'berserker rage' seemed to posse them.

That's when the riot started.

In all my years as a gaming journalist, I've never seen anything like it.

PS2 to the head. Thats gotta hurt.

One guy had AV cables around another guys throat, while a chick that looked like Roseanne Barr's stunt double was kicking him in the head. People were pistol whipping each other across the back of the head with NES Light guns for crying out loud. The closest I've gotten to such horror was, ironically, the PS2 launch. But even that was just two guys taking turns punching each other in the gut to determine who'd get the only PS2 their store of choice had been given for the launch.

People were looting nearby stores, grabbing anything that look remotely like a GameCube. Toasters and 10 packs of CD cases were the worst hit, and the Large Novelty Dice warehouse just isn't there anymore.

And it wasn't just the USA's slack NES Light Gun laws that lead to most of the deaths either. I saw several people using PS2's like baseball bats, smashing them apart across each other's heads. This - it would seem - was an attempt to kill two birds with one stone.

The violence escalated when the "Cube Delay?!?" rioters join up with the "Xbox Costs Way Too Friggan Much!" rioters who had been going strong for five days straight since the Xbox launch, two blocks up.

In a desperate attempt to appease the rioting, staff of TRU started randomly throwing GameCube's into the crowd, which unfortunately killed five people when the sharp corners penetrated their skulls.

And in a blatant "up yours" to Nintendo, many people who had turned up for the Cube launch went to the local House Of Xbox up the street, combined their GameCube money and bought Xboxes.

These things are springing up on every corner in the US already. Damn Microsoft and their filthy money.

They then promptly returned to Toys 'R' Us and hurled them through the windows (really, what else could they have done with them?). A blaze started when the Xboxes froze, blue screened and then shorted out, exploding in mini fireballs all over the TRU headquarters, which was soon well alight and burning fiercely.

The best "fire sale" they ever had! Hehe.. Shame about all the death though.

After S.W.A.T was called in an ingenious plan was devised to calm the rabble. A S.W.A.T team member (the late private Picall volunteered) dressed like Sonic the Hedgehog would get the rioters attention by running up to them and shouting:

"Hey! You stupid Nintendo fan boys! Sega ownz you all! PS2 has better games! Come get me if you can!"

"Sonic" would then lead them down a street which had been condoned off, where 240 GameCube's and monitors had been set up with Rogue Leader- Rogue Squadron 2 ready to play. An earlier decision to remove Super Smash Bros. Melee was thought a wise one.

Once they were sitting down playing, members of the police and other emergency agencies would then moved in from behind and knock them out cold with bricks, and throw them into waiting dump trucks, which would then take them to the nearest penitentiary for processing.

It all went according to plan, except for the whole private Picall being torn apart by the angry mob right before they saw the GameCube's thing.

Private Picall runs for his (what turned out to be a rather short) life. They really should have cut eye holes in that thing.

TRU president Greg Sambas had this to say from his hospital bed:

I just wanted my good tie, it's green with these blue bits. Nothing like this has ever happened before! Err, well actually there was that one time I delayed the Pokémon Gold-Silver launch half an hour while I played with a Tickle Me Elmo, and that time I held back the new Harry Potter book a few days because I wanted to finish reading the last one first, but that's it!

All this is in stark contrast to the launch in Japan, where there was only one line of about 12 people, five of which thought they were in line for "Mekee Schoolgirl Frenzy" happening next door at the Sokuo Gentlemen's Club.

Ahem..

So there you have it. The GameCube has finally been released in the US. We can only hope that Nintendo Australia have something half as exciting as this planned for the Australian launch (but I'm guessing they'll go the "Hey, if anyone cares, the GameCube was released three days ago" route).

The guy that turns up late and punches his way to the front of the line will be me.

-Blake