Nov/13/2001

Osama checks the product. Warning: Only to be used for creating bio-weapons. Causes drowsiness. Do not take when using heavy machinery. Prolonged use may lead to organ failure. Product is provided "as is", and Umbrella Ltd can not be held responsible for any misuse.

In shocking news just to hand, it has been revealed that Osama bin Laden, public enemy number one, has obtained a box of the G-Virus.

Bin Laden, the only man in the world who evidently has the missing pages of the Koran which state, "Bah, forget everything you read in the first half, becoming martyrs and receiving 72 fine booties in heaven is where it's at", apparently obtained the sample through Umbrella Online Pty Ltd's catalogue.

This is disturbing news given his purchase of a box of T-Virus three months ago which he claimed was for "research purposes" only.

"Yeah, we really should have more stringent customer screening before we send this stuff out" said an Umbrella Online employee at the time, who wished to remain anonymous.

The G-Virus - first seen in Resident Evil 2 - is the successor to the T-Virus, and has been declared by many to be "the ultimate bio-weapon." In conjunction with the T-Virus, it can turn an entire populace into mindless zombies faster than watching Parliament Question Time on the ABC, and create horrifying monsters that are really good at jumping through windows when you least expect it, and bin Laden has warned, "More.."

Osama bin Laden. Not quite up on the whole, "Keep your bio-weapons secured in underground compound" school of thought.

It is not know at this time how he plans to distribute it, but leading G-Virus researcher Annette Birkin told us today; "Rats most likely, we've had a lot of success with rats."

Bin Laden has a gripe with the USA and any country that supports them, including Australia, because an American once looked at him cockeyed when he was six or something. He has sworn to "rid the world of the westerner scum" and has urged all like-minded half-wits with as little understanding of the basic tenets of their religion to join in the fight.

My informant, disguised as an unexploded cluster bomb, was also able to get out the following top-secret photos, which have not been altered in any way.

These are the horrifying results of Bin Laden's experimenting:

Seems to be a new type of Mr. X. Note the fearsome facial hair (as my dad always used to say to me, "And just how do you plan to rain down a bloody hellfire on America if you can't even grow a full beard?). I assume the turban is to stop the bright Afghani sun from burning his bald head. Hmmmm, we might just be able to use that against him.

 

Now this is a worrying development! It seems Bin Laden's been dabbling in splicing DNA strands, more specifically, Licker and camel DNA. Look at those evil eyes with their intense, penetrating glare, so set on chaos and destruction. Not sure if that's a passenger, rider or afternoon snack on it's back though.

 

Yes, I'm pretty sure that's a zombie. And more specifically, judging by the full body veil, a female zombie. These are going to be a bitch to spot if they attack at night. Although they'll probably move slowly and trip a lot, Maggie Simpson style.

 

Holy shit. This seems to be a G-Virus Mutant spawn thingy, made in the likeness of Bin Laden. Of course, that goes totally against the teachings of the Koran, but why would he start worrying about that now?

-Blake