Nov/09/2001

In a statement released this week Ivon Rutonburg officially apologised for leaving a PP7 handgun and full clip of ammunition on the table as he was interrogating a suspected terrorist; one James Bond of London, England. This appalling lack of judgment on Ivon's part lead to the deaths of 78 employees of Russia's GRU Military Intelligence Archives, including Ivon himself.

The statement read in part:

Words cannot express the sorrow and shame I feel. The pain and grief I have caused the families of the GRU employees killed, including my own, is immeasurable. My deepest sympathies go out to everyone that has been affected by this.

I only wish I were still alive, so I could face some kind of court-martial over my stupid, stupid negligence.

Contacted from beyond the grave, Ivon said it had started out like your standard military interrogation; "Mr. Bond was asked some rudimentary questions about the incident for which he was being held. It was all going along swimmingly." But then things took a turn for the worst.

That's Ivon on the right

Asked about the PP7 and full clip of ammo that was occupying the table in front of Mr. Bond, Ivon said; "That PP7 and clip had been on that table for about six years. I can't even remember who put it there, I mean, its not even standard Russian hardware. I don't even think they're sold in Russia, but not once has any prisoner given it a second glance. Until Mr. Bond that is."

Asked about what happened next, Ivon continued: "Like I said, it was going fine, then Borris comes in with orders that the prisoner is to be executed immediately. Now I'm not ashamed to admit that when it comes to the killing part, I get a little squeamish, so I turned away as Borris aimed his gun at Mr. Bond. I heard two shots, then just as I realised they didn't sound like a KF7 Soviet, I've turned back to see Karl on the floor with a hole in his forehead. Then I see Borris standing there, holding his chest. Christ, poor Borris, his wife had just given birth to their first child and he joked he was going to make me the godfather."

"Guess that won't be happening now."

As Borris hit the floor, Ivon turned back around to see a rather disturbing sight.

"So I look up, and there's Mr. Bond, holding the handgun to MY forehead!" That was the last memory Ivon has of the living world.

"I dunno, I guess he just had something against being executed."

Apparently after that Mr. Bond picked up one of the fallen guards KF7 Soviets, and was able to stock up with DD44's, Klobb's and even grenades as more guard's came to see what all the ruckus was about and were mercilessly cut down one after another.

The last thing Ivon saw.

He eventually escaped with female accomplice Natalya Simonova, but not before cutting a swath through the ranks of the GRU, situated in St. Petersburg.

When UnReal Nintendo News contacted Ivon's superior, Defense Minister Mishkin (one of the few survivors of the incident) to see if any disciplinarian action would be taken against Ivon's complete lack of brains, he said, "I think death is enough of a punishment."

And in an extraordinary turn of events, Minister Mishkin has canceled the hunt for Bond, saying that "other than the whole massacre thing, he was actually innocent the whole time. Yes, bit of a balls-up I know, but now we can focus on apprehending General Ourumov, traitor to mother Russia!"

When Ivon learned of this, he said, "Well that's kicking a dead man in the teeth when he's down, isn't it? Maybe he wasn't a terrorist, but he did kill 78 people for crying out loud. I mean, who can really issue a License to Kill anyhow?"

James Bond was on assignment and could not be contacted for comment by time of publish.

-Blake